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In relationships and on the road, when you are feeling stuck in irritation and complaining, there’s an alternative. You can make a request. American drivers have a strange behavior pattern. When someone wants the car in front of them to speed up or pull over, they often start tailgating the slower driver – at a […]
In relationships and on the road, when you are feeling stuck in irritation and complaining, there’s an alternative. You can make a request.
American drivers have a strange behavior pattern. When someone wants the car in front of them to speed up or pull over, they often start tailgating the slower driver – at a dangerously small distance behind the slow car.
We feel that the slow driver holds control over us. We feel trapped and then outraged.
But sometimes we actually aren’t trapped. If the slow-driver is simply distracted, we have the power to get their attention. We can communicate our wishes with some short honks of the horn.
If we don’t make our needs known with some short honks, we get resentful and act out by tailgating – which can lead to a multiple car pile-up.
The avoidance of direct communication can be costly.
Maybe every time your mother-in-law Ann stops by, she makes little critical comments about the cleanliness or organization of your home. You notice that you are dreading seeing her.
You feel pissed and stuck with putting up with this because she’s family and you need to respect your elders. You silence yourself, thinking that’s the best thing you can do, so that you don’t lose your cool and yell at her.
When we silence ourselves, a part of us gets extra pissed or irritable.
The good news is that you aren’t stuck. Sometimes we have plenty of power to change the situation – if we choose to use it.
A simple request can nip this behavior in the bud. The next time you and Ann are alone in the kitchen, you mention to her that you take her opinion to heart. And you have noticed that she can make critical comments about your home. You tell her it hurts. You say that you know she cares about you. Then you ask if it would be OK for her to catch herself and stop the pattern of making negative comments.
Is she going to respond well? Maybe. She might hug you and apologize. Or have an initial upset and then respond well. Or she might be awful, and that would be good information that you need to take a major step back from her.
But because you used your voice and made a direct request, you will likely feel better.
Or maybe you find yourself complaining to your best friend a lot about how you feel blown off by your boyfriend. You tell her that he doesn’t initiate any date nights or romantic moments with you. Your relationship is feeling more like housemates than romantic partners.
Complaining can be a way to blow enough steam that you can stay in your current situation rather than risk initiating a change through direct communication.
You decide to stop complaining and make a simple request. You ask him to surprise you with some date nights because you would like some alone time together.
He tells you that he has been so busy that he hadn’t realized how distant things had become. That Saturday you both have a great time at a fun restaurant and some good cuddle time. That one request you made ended up benefiting you and the whole relationship.
Simple requests skip over the whole blame game and jump right to constructive change. When you make a non-blaming request, you are sending a message that you think the other person is workable and capable of changing.
Now I know that not all relationship challenges are going to be resolved by making simple requests, but it’s surprising how well it can go.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
www.bouldercoachingandtherapy.com
Helping you get unstuck and struggle less…
In our culture we have grown up to believe that personal freedom equals happiness. Well, is that actually true? Freedom and personal rights are rarely the only thing a person values and prioritizes. You might value your family’s health and well-being, respecting elders, faith, serving our country, honesty, nature, or…. If we refuse to wear […]
In our culture we have grown up to believe that personal freedom equals happiness.
Well, is that actually true?
Freedom and personal rights are rarely the only thing a person values and prioritizes. You might value your family’s health and well-being, respecting elders, faith, serving our country, honesty, nature, or….
If we refuse to wear a mask or receive a well-tested vaccine because “we don’t want anyone to tell us what to do,” then we might have just acted in a way that does not honor our own values. The value of protecting our family. The value of appreciating and protecting the health care workers who are neighbors and there when we need them.
Perhaps making a decision by looking through the lens of “personal rights or freedom” isn’t so useful. Maybe it is most clarifying to ask ourselves – does my action reflect my highest priorities?
Full personal freedom to do whatever we want offers promises of happiness – but it can’t deliver. Being free to do whatever we want can actually cause suffering.
When we get hooked into a compulsive behavior like overeating, the craving part of us that drives us to overeat thinks that if we have the freedom to consume whatever we want, as much as we want, then we will be happier.
Is it true?
If we eat a scoop of ice cream, we will probably experience temporary pleasure with little negative consequence. But if we let the compulsive craving part of us run the show, then we can end up having eaten the whole container every night, feeling bloated and regretful.
Is it possible that being asked to wear a mask to protect our fellow Americans is a patriotic act? It is a form of being asked to serve our country. When someone serves our country in the military – whether by personal choice or because of a draft – they deserve great respect and appreciation. We thank them for their service.
My hope is that you might pass this on to people you know who are unclear about whether they want to wear a mask. I think the whole discussion of “who is making you do what” is a distraction.
I think the real question is: “What are your top 5 values? And do they guide you to wear a mask or not?”
My experience is that almost everyone wants to help their family and friends. So then we can see that it is our own values driving the choice – not anyone else “making” us do it.
Wearing a mask is a way in which you can serve our country and be aligned with your own priorities and values.
Very best wishes to you,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
Judy is a life coach based in Boulder, CO, seeing clients remotely or in her backyard. To contact Judy, email judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or text or call (303) 819-2099.
Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict? Are you nervous about setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people? Here are some insights on why being real and honest might be worth it. I don’t think there’s anyone completely at ease with bringing up challenging topics. What in particular are you […]
Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict? Are you nervous about setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people? Here are some insights on why being real and honest might be worth it.
I don’t think there’s anyone completely at ease with bringing up challenging topics.
What in particular are you afraid of? What keeps you silent? Here are some very common and understandable fears that drive us humans to avoid conversations:
HOW WE JUSTIFY AVOIDANCE
There are many ways to rationalize avoiding hard conversations. Do any of the following sound familiar?
Sometimes being thoughtful about timing is very useful. If it continues on for weeks and weeks, it might be more about avoidance than consideration.
If you catch yourself thinking any of these things, there’s a chance you might be avoiding having a talk that needs to happen.
THE COSTS OF AVOIDING HAVING REAL CONVERSATIONS
1. When we hide who we really are – what we really want or don’t want, our relationships can’t be as close. We might miss out on true intimacy. We might have friends but still feel lonely because they don’t really know the real us.
2. Our psyches don’t like to be silenced. When we hide the truth or try to sweep an issue under the rug, we can end up feeling low-level upset because we don’t feel free to talk and to request things. This can lead to lingering resentment. You might find yourself getting passive aggressive or mysteriously irritable with others.
3. Not feeling free to share our thoughts and feelings can decrease our ability to relax and have fun in the relationship.
4. Sometimes we aren’t even consciously aware that we are mad or hurt by someone’s behavior. As humans, our psyche’s can try to distract us from these emotions by creating strong cravings for food, alcohol, video games, etc.
Our bodies are also capable of creating distracting symptoms like stomach upset or an unexplainable back pain in order to help us avoid seeing and dealing with conflict. I will be making a video in the near future about this pattern.
Books such as Unlearn You Pain by Schubiner and Betzold and John Sarno’s Healing Back Pain are rich resources. Mind Body Coaches Lorraine Faehndrich (radiantlifedesign.com) and Abigail Steidley (abigailsteidley.com) are highly skilled at helping clients undo the pattern of somaticizing our emotions.
5. Silencing ourselves actually takes energy. It can cause chronic, low-level stress which is bad for our health.
6. With someone we are dating, if we aren’t real about what we want and what does not work for us, we can end up staying with or marrying someone who is not an appropriate partner. By not sharing our preferences, we might be pretending to be whoever we imagine our partner wants rather than letting them get to know who we really are.
7. If we aren’t honest with a friend, partner, or family member we love who is sliding into substance abuse or domestic violence, we can end up enabling their decline.
A BIG QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF
Is this person workable or not really?
When you speak with a workable person about something, they are capable of responding constructively – either immediately or after a sort period of being temporarily defensive. A workable person is able to apologize, show real concern, and make changes in behavior.
Or is this person someone who is self-involved, doesn’t feel bad about mistakes or apologize for them, pulls all the attention back to how they have been wronged, and doesn’t seem to really care about your needs? There’s a chance they aren’t workable.
Sometimes we don’t want to admit to ourselves that a person is not workable. We keep our focus on our hope in their “potential” as a way to avoid the disappointing reality of how they are right now.
Yearning to find her life partner, Sue had a pattern of being attracted to men who did not treat her well. She overlooked red flags, not wanting to see signs that the current guy wasn’t workable. She didn’t want to see that the man wasn’t for her. Tired of being single, she wanted it to work out this time.
Once in the relationship, she would over-function, trying to smooth over conflicts. Nagging her partner in an effort to fix him was a distraction from accepting that she had plenty of evidence that he was not motivated to change, and likely would not.
Hope can at times be hugely harmful – allowing us to stay involved with someone who treats us badly.
When Sue started telling herself the truth of how she really felt about a man, she started moving on quickly from unworkable guys to ones that actually did help her thrive
IF YOU SEE THAT THE PERSON IS NOT WORKABLE
With truly unworkable people, it can be best to take a step back from them rather than trying to have a heart to heart. What does taking a step back mean?
Only you can answer that. Perhaps stepping back means you stop initiating getting together. Maybe stepping back means you stop confiding in the person. Michele realized that her mom was terribly critical around anything about Michele’s weight or fitness. Her step back was to no longer bring up any appearance-related discussion with her mom.
Or perhaps the step back is to stop sleeping with them. Or maybe in your heart, you know that you should stop having contact all together.
GETTING CLEAR
If the person is workable, and you find yourself avoiding an important conversation that you know would benefit you or the whole relationship, here are some questions you can ask yourself to get clarity. Awareness is like gold and can contribute hugely to individual and relationship happiness.
1. What are you afraid could happen if you do bring up the issue?
2. Do you have a story you use to justify avoiding having that talk?
3. With this person or group, what is the cost to you of continuing to avoid?
4. If things go well, what positive shifts could happen?
5. What help or support might you need to help you make the leap of bringing up the issue?
In another blog post, I will cover tips on how to best have these conversations that scare us go well. How you can set things up for as much as success as possible.
If you would like to learn more about working with me, please contact me at judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or text or call (303) 819-2099. I would love to hear from you. I am currently meeting with clients remotely or in my backyard in Boulder, CO.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill
We have all experienced it. You write something on your to-do list, and it stays undone, getting transferred repeatedly to new lists. The inability to follow through just feels bad. The neglected list item can serve as visual evidence to support limiting beliefs such as: “I can’t accomplish what I need to in order to […]
We have all experienced it. You write something on your to-do list, and it stays undone, getting transferred repeatedly to new lists. The inability to follow through just feels bad. The neglected list item can serve as visual evidence to support limiting beliefs such as:
“I can’t accomplish what I need to in order to get what I want, so I’m doomed.”
“I’m stuck. Something’s wrong with me and my life.”
“I’m lazy. Why even try?”
I’m not a fan of the term “lazy.” Whether you can see it or not, everyone human has a stuck area of their lives. Does being stuck on a task mean someone has the character flaw of laziness? I think using this “L word” is a distraction. If you were truly lazy, you wouldn’t be reading this.
When we are frozen with a task, the other place we tend to go in our minds is feeling shame. We can easily beat ourselves up for being stuck, chipping away at our own self-esteem. Then maybe you try really hard to not feel ashamed. This circular pattern of struggling with self-criticism can distract us from getting to the actual solution for procrastination.
You know when you are on a flight, descending toward your destination airport and you need to go through a layer of clouds before you can see the city and runways below? Let’s look under the cloud layers of “laziness” and self-criticism.
A social work mentor of mine would say, “Always rule out the physical first.” A story about my friend Sam illustrates how the solution to getting unstuck with tasks might simply be a physical one.
Sam had been mentioning for months that she felt lethargic, kind of low, and just couldn’t get much done. One day she told me that she had no libido and had crazy dry skin. I asked if she had any immediate family with thyroid issues, and she said, “All three of my siblings.”
I nudged her to go to the doctor to get tested. If you have one immediate family member with thyroid issues, you have a 50% chance of having them yourself.
Two weeks later she called and said, “I started on a thyroid med, and it’s like someone turned on lights that had been off for a long time.” It was a fresh start for her. She no longer felt overwhelmed and became efficient with tasks. She found herself enjoying daily life.
Overwhelm and procrastination can also be classic symptoms of depression for many people. Maybe you have inherited genes for some chemical depression and need to take medicine to balance neurotransmitters. Or maybe it’s December, and you tend to feel low during the shorter days of winter. A solution might be to make sure you get more daytime light exposure either outside without sunglasses, by a sunny window, or by using a bright light device.
Another physical solution to procrastination could be as simple as noticing and accepting that when you get to sleep early enough, you have way less resistance to tasks. Or when you don’t drink much the night before, you have a lot more focus.
After tending to any physical needs, the next question is: “Why am I avoiding that task?”
Sometimes avoiding doing a task is actually partly a good thing.
We can “should” ourselves into thinking we have to do things that actually don’t feel really right to us. When we keep procrastinating on something, sometimes a wise part of us who knows better is actually creating the resistance.
Maybe the task isn’t truly the best next step for you to take…. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:
1. Does the task truly belong on my list? Maybe it is actually someone else’s job or time for someone else to share the load.
2. Is now the right time for this task? Perhaps you are pushing yourself too much lately, and the task is actually not what you need to be doing at this time. Or maybe there are other higher priorities that need your attention more.
3. Do I need to first make a change to the scope of the task? Maybe you used to be OK with doing all the cooking and also the kitchen clean-up. Now you notice that you keep avoiding cooking dinner and have been spending much more money on take-out. Once you and your partner agree to split up the duties, you find yourself actually looking forward to creating nice dinners for the family. Once we become aware of what adjustment in direction we need to make, procrastination’s power can weaken.
4. Might you be having trouble moving forward because there is another desire that you might be dismissing that needs your attention? Maybe you are feeling paralyzed with applying to college. You keep not working on your college application because you know in your heart that you want to first take a year off from school and work for a non-profit before you start school. You haven’t told your family because you are worried they might disapprove. You get the guts up to talk with your parents and they actually think it is a good idea. You no longer feel like you are slogging through mud. Your willingness to tend to the college application goes way up once you start researching volunteer service programs that cover participants’ expenses. You feel excited and motivated to get accepted to college and defer for a year.
5. Is there something else I need to do first in order to do the task well? Maybe your anxiety that you don’t know how to do the task well enough is reasonable. Procrastination might be happening because part of you knows that you need to first do some research before you are ready to move forward. Or perhaps the actual first step is to ask someone for personal or professional help in order to do the task well. Martha inherited a sizable chunk of money and is embarrassed that another month has gone by and it is still sitting in a very low-interest savings account. She keeps meaning to invest it, but gets stuck. The thought that keeps going through her mind when she thinks about researching a financial advisor is “I should have done this sooner!” She cringes with shame, checks her Instagram, finds herself in a rabbit hole, and another day goes by without tending to the money. Martha is from a family that believes that asking for help is a sign of weakness. This led the family to be isolated and become much more dysfunctional than they would have been if they had reached out to others. Systems and humans don’t do well in isolation. Martha swallows her pride and reaches out to a friend with lots of experience managing savings. The friend is delighted to be asked, feels valued. She offers to help Martha through the steps of selecting between two advisors that she respects. The friend’s help makes everything feel so much more doable, and soon Martha chooses an advisor she feels solid about, and invests the money well.
6. Is there a conversation I need to have with someone who is involved in the task? So many of us are afraid of conflict. Perhaps it’s fear of causing future tension with the person, or hurting their feelings, being disrespectful, making them angry, or risking negative consequences to our financial security.
Jen finds herself repeatedly forgetting to pick up the beer her husband enjoys. When shopping, she remembers everything else except for a couple of cases. Every night he winds down with a few beers.
Lately, she has had moments of noticing that there is more empty cans in the recycling than before. She quickly dismisses the concern she feels and says to herself, “Andy doesn’t have a drinking problem. You’re such a worrier.”
She also begins noticing that he has been grumpier in the evenings, less patient with her and the kids.
Jen mentions this to her counselor and realizes that she really is concerned about his drinking and that she hasn’t said anything to him because she’s afraid there will be a fight.
You can write the next part of this story yourself. Maybe Jen and Andy have a heart to heart, and he says he’s a little concerned about the drinking too. He knows that his job is getting worse and worse and that rather than trying to numb his dissatisfaction, he needs to begin to look for a new position. He and Jen work as a team to support his search.
Or maybe Jen brings her concern to Andy, and he gets furious that she would imply that he isn’t in control with his drinking. He says he can quit anytime and therefore doesn’t have a problem. Jen joins an Al-anon 12 step group to get support for how to cope with the situation. Eventually, enough people in Andy’s life confront him about his drinking that his denial weakens. He admits he’s afraid for his future and gets willing to get help.
Sometimes, our wise unconscious can get us to forget to do something that doesn’t feel right. Thank goodness Jen found the courage to speak with Andy about his drinking. That conversation – though potentially very messy – can hopefully end up helping everyone.
We can all feel out of control or a little crazy when we keep procrastinating on something. Sometimes procrastinating comes from a non-crazy, wise part of us who knows we should be going a slightly different direction. We just need to be willing to ask ourselves questions and be willing to take an honest look at what truly is needed now.
If you would like help navigating your particular life challenges, please contact me for a free phone or video consultation to see if working together feels like a right next step. I can be reached at judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or by text or call (303) 819-2099.
Very best wishes to you,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
So I’ve been out of the dating pool for quite some time. Twenty years ago next month, I met my husband Michael through a personal ad in the local newspaper. Don’t laugh. I have watched friends and clients navigate the wild world of online dating and have learned some things. I love to help clients […]
So I’ve been out of the dating pool for quite some time. Twenty years ago next month, I met my husband Michael through a personal ad in the local newspaper. Don’t laugh.
I have watched friends and clients navigate the wild world of online dating and have learned some things. I love to help clients find how to have less drama and suffering while they go on the journey of finding their life partner or simply enjoying spending time with good people.
I have seen that when you respect your own intuition, preferences, and true limits, you start attracting partners who will respect you and treat you well. I have learned that you don’t need to throw yourself under the feeling-desperate-and-always-wanting-to-be-pleasing bus.
The good news is that when you set a high standard for how you want to be treated, inappropriate suitors will energetically and practically be repelled. This clears away the potentially distracting people to make room for your right partner. The guiding principle of authenticity – being real with yourself and with the people you are dating – can help set you on a path with less suffering to a true life partner.
Here’s a few tips for healthy, authentic dating. Please disregard any that don’t feel true or useful to you, OK?
1. Be really honest with yourself and get clear. Make a list of what is truly most important to you in a partner. And a list of things that aren’t acceptable to you. Among all the items, I suggest you include something in your lists about each of these:
2. While meeting and dating someone, keep a bunch of your attention on yourself – your physical and emotional reactions to communication with the person. Maybe he or she looks fabulous, but how does interacting with them make you feel?
3. Be open to noticing any “red flags” – whether big or tiny. If you have a reaction of “Huh?” or “Hmm. That doesn’t sound good,” notice any tendency you might have to dismiss your own concern because you so badly want this to work.
Here’s a question…..Why do you so badly want to make it work with this particular person?
I think the opposite of this scarcity thinking isn’t “abundance.” The word abundance always feels a little off the mark to me. What if the opposite of scarcity is simply this assumption:
“My partner is out there, and I’m going to trust my intuition and discernment in order to find him/her/them.” Then it’s not about scarcity or abundance – it’s just about determination, persistence, and trusting your radar.
4. Only get together in person with people who feel really right. It’s easy to get pulled into believing that you are being “too picky.” When the person is right, your physical gut feelings will let you know. Set and maintain whatever truly are your personal high standards.
5. If the person gets weird with communication – whether phone, text, or email – say something authentic or move on from them. You can be real. It could go something like this:
“Hey – I notice that when I hear from you a lot and then hardly at all, it’s a little unsettling for me. I have found that consistent communication is a great thing for me. How does that sound to you?’
Their response could be
6. If the person acts cheap with either money, information about themselves, or with extending themself by initiating dates or calls – it’s a red flag to watch.
7. If you feel like your best, empowered, real self with the person – you are onto something good.
A crucial part of authentic dating is authentic sex. Please listen carefully to yourself around getting sexy with someone.
What do you truly need in order for physical intimacy to feel really right and comfortable? What will protect you from future regret?
Your honest answer will likely be different from what you assume is “normal.” Please disregard any of the below questions if they don’t apply to what feels right for you now.
Some people are comfortable with simply using a condom every time. Others realize that they actually want to know for sure that their partner doesn’t have any STD’s. They might need both partners to get tested first. Testing is inconvenient, but can be hugely rewarding if it means you both get to relax and have fabulous sex.
With it’s ups and downs, authentic dating can be a path to being really honest with yourself, and to a fulfilling, juicy relationship with your future partner.
I wish you big success with the journey of online dating. I love to help clients navigate building healthy relationships with themselves and others. If you are interested in speaking with me, please contact me through phone, text, or email for a free half-hour consultation. (303) 819-2099 or judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com
Warm wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
www.bouldercoachingandtherapy.com
Do you tend to compare your life to what you assume to be true about someone else’s? In those moments, we can see our own lives as being less successful less valuable. There’s a powerful, painful myth in our culture that fuels comparison and adds layers of shame: “Everyone else has their lives together.” But […]
Do you tend to compare your life to what you assume to be true about someone else’s? In those moments, we can see our own lives as being less successful less valuable.
There’s a powerful, painful myth in our culture that fuels comparison and adds layers of shame:
“Everyone else has their lives together.”
But here’s the actual truth:
“All of us are partly a mess.”
When I was struggling terribly with compulsive eating and depression, I thought that I was especially messed up. I look back now and see that my challenges weren’t unique – and having them did not mean I was defective. I was a young woman trying so hard, on a journey to heal, learning things that would end up helping others.
From the vantage point of now being 51, I finally get that we all have a part of our lives that causes us pain. Maybe you have discovered that your spouse is cheating, or you are trying to climb out of credit card debt, or your teen is doing badly in school. You could make the situation mean that your life and journey are embarassing, unsuccessful, or worth less than the lives of others whose difficulties you cannot see. Or you could make the experience mean that you are in the human experience along with everyone else. I call it being in the human soup. We all screw up. We all long for things to be better.
When we believe that “everyone else has their lives together,” we feel like losers in a competition. If we believe that “everyone is actually partly a mess,” we end up feeling more compassion for everyone.
So many of us are pretending to ourselves or others that we are totally OK, putting on a happy face. If everyone wore a sign that says what current personal struggle they are facing, I think we would finally see the tender truth. Some t-shirts might say… Hurting with a terrible migraine, or Feelimg ashamed I didn’t get the job, Afraid I married the wrong person, or Running ragged taking care of elderly in-laws I don’t love.
So many people’s relationships or marriages look “successful” and happy from the outside. But you know that one half of all marriages end in divorce. And of the 50% who stay married, we know that a whole lot of those people aren’t happy, but are staying because of the commitment, finances, or kids.
I do wish people would be more honest about how challenging committed relationship can be. My husband Michael and I have had to work so hard for years to build an imperfect but nourishing and playful partnership. Many wouldn’t have been able to tell from the outside how much we were struggling and working. I will be the first to bust any myth that committed partnership is “happily ever after.”
Here’s some actual statistics about our country that support the reality that everyone has a very human “mess” in their lives.
And an amazingly sad statistic from the CDC:
Then add to the list all the other kinds of difficult human experiences that make us feel vulnerable.
I feel we each of us can take tiny steps to bust the myth that everyone else’s life is better. Not buying into the myth enables us to rest more in compassion rather than struggle in the competition.
You know how some people will ask as a greeting, “How are you? Everything good?” If you look at the statistics I mentioned, it’s kind of a laughable question. When anyone greets me that way, I always answer with, “Well things are actually both – up and down.” Even if I’m having a wonderful day, I don’t want to contribute to the joint myth that life is supposed to be “all good.”
Perhaps the next time you ask someone how they are, imagine you are leaving a door open for them to talk about either really good things in their world or the challenges. Life is tenderly both.
If you would like help navigating your particular life challenges, please contact me for a free phone or video consultation to see if working together feels like a right next step. I can be reached at judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or by text or call (303) 819-2099.
Very best wishes to you,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
The formula for breaking free from struggling with food and weight is different for each person. I can’t sum up all the elements that work for most people in one blog post, but I can empower you with information that could be a missing key for you to be able navigate your way off the […]
The formula for breaking free from struggling with food and weight is different for each person. I can’t sum up all the elements that work for most people in one blog post, but I can empower you with information that could be a missing key for you to be able navigate your way off the painful dieting roller coaster.
Juliet (not her real name) came to see me to lose weight. In her mid-forties, she had tried so many diets – yet, here she was, carrying 60 extra pounds.
Uncomfortable in her own skin, she had tried to keep a positive attitude along the way – but she had suffered a great deal. She has felt unattractive and like a failure because she couldn’t achieve her goal.
Juliet and the rest of us have been trained to think that the key to weight loss is to restrict the calories we consume. We believe that we need to have will power to restrain the part of us that wants the freedom to indulge in fattening foods.
For some people, counting calories with will power is an effective formula that truly allows them to drop extra weight. But for a lot of people, following the rules of a diet is actually a recipe for a painful diet/regain cycle. America’s standard approach of dieting and calorie-counting has led more than half of all adults in America to be overweight or obese.
With any compulsive behavior (like overeating, drinking, or smoking), once the pattern gets triggered, it develops a life of its own. It can feel like we are no longer in control – as if we have a crazy, craving person inside us that has power over us.
This craving part of us can get us to sabotage our heartfelt goals and priorities. Back when I struggled with terrible binge eating, I would promise myself in the morning that I would be “good” and eat healthy and light today. Then just hours later I would find myself most of the way through a package of Oreos, feeling bloated, scared, and ashamed.
What if we could integrate the two parts of ourselves – the craving one who wants the freedom to eat whatever he or she wants whether it makes us feel sick or not – and also the part who wants to take good care of ourselves and lose weight?
Why do you want to lose weight? Maybe you are motivated by the desire to feel attractive or more confident? Maybe you want to lose weight to have better health or to be able to do activities you used to love?
I think we want to feel attractive, confident, healthy, or be active because the end result we all crave is simply to feel good. Feeling attractive or confident feels good emotionally. The absence of weight-related health issues and being active feels so good physically.
“Feeling good” is a common goal most every person and inner part of us can rally around. On the other hand, “losing weight” comes loaded with all kinds of cultural conditioning, shoulds, and shame.
To get free of the whole struggle around food and weight, Juliet and I decided she could experiment with placing her long-held wish to be trim on the back burner. She started prioritizing her desire to feel good over her desire to be thin. Juliet focused on eating what tastes good and focused on following her body’s signals to eat the amount that will make her feel good for the hours after the meal.
You might say, “But she will go off the rails! What if her craving self wants a whole pint of Cherry Garcia every night?”
But here’s what often actually happens…. When we slow down and give ourselves permission to eat whatever we sense will feel good in our bodies in the moment and also afterward – big shifts happen. We start to eat like trim people who don’t obsess about their weight. We begin to build evidence that we can relax and trust ourselves to not overeat.
The craving part of us starts to see that he or she is not going to be made to feel deprived. He or she starts to feel heard and cared for – starting to relax and quiet. The part of us that wants to lose weight and the craving part of us can integrate. There can be a cease fire in the war over being “good” or “bad” with food.
You might be asking, “How do I actually pull this off? The first step is to eat slowly. I don’t think you have to be mindful of every bite. But when you eat slowly two things happen:
The second key to be able to follow the priority of eating to feel good is “pausing with permission.”
You know when you are eating a fabulous plate of food and you get the first sensations that you might soon be getting full? But you don’t want to stop because it’s so good? Well, for many people, pushing your plate away and pausing for a couple minutes to wait and see if you still really want to keep eating is empowering. It can keep us in the place of being able to choose whether to eat more – rather than just feeling compelled.
If after the pause, eating still feels good, then go ahead and enjoy. You can give yourself permission to eat whatever will feel good physically. You can continue to take more pauses, which gives you the ability to stop before you become overly full. How you feel in your body is the guideline – not how many calories or ounces.
You know how healthy kids can dive into a cookie jar and then abandon the third cookie part way through because they’ve had enough and another activity looks more fun? I love to help people find that flexible freedom.
You might be thinking, “But I have been so out of control for years – that won’t work for me.”
Personally, the permission to eat what I wanted and pausing and listening for my body’s input – is a huge part of how I got free of the obsession with food or weight. After 13 years of binge-eating disorder, I slowly learned I could trust myself around food. It still amazes me that my issues with food have been gone for 21 years.
I will write more about the other pieces of my journey in other posts.
This approach isn’t about control – it’s about maximizing pleasure. If we try to maximize pleasure, we will naturally stop when we are getting full. Being overly full simply doesn’t feel good.
Back to Juliet…. Week after week, Juliet kept her focus on listening to her body’s signals of hunger and fullness. She ended up eating a pretty balanced diet because that is what felt best. She gave herself permission to eat a treat when she really wanted one.
It used to be that whenever Juliet would eat ice cream, she would eat it really fast with a lot of guilt. With the new approach, when she wants an ice cream cone, she walks to her favorite ice cream store and sits outside in the shade and enjoys that cone slowly and completely. When savored and fully enjoyed, treats can actually help clients lose weight. If our inner craving self knows that he or she can have a rich dessert without guilt, he or she relaxes and doesn’t feel deprived. Knowing that having a treat isn’t a problem, the cravings can start to calm. Our inner self relaxes and doesn’t feel deprived.
Juliet and I discussed whether she wanted to weigh herself or not. She decided to experiment with proceeding without. They numbers on the scale had been a part of the huge struggle over the years.
After three weeks she noticed that her pants felt looser and going up stairs felt a little easier.
Juliet ended up losing 50 pounds by the time we stopped working together. She and I were both thrilled. She lost a lot of weight – and she lost the pre-occupation and shame around food. In our last session she said, “I can’t believe this has happened to me. I have become a trim, healthy person who doesn’t stress about food. I feel free.”
The ironic secret is this: If you prioritize feeling good, you will actually lose weight. This worked for me and for many clients. I love to help people lose weight and get free from the dieting roller coaster. I would be honored to speak with you so that you can see if working with me feels like a good next step.
Warm wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
Our society can shame us for having anger. It is often deemed unsightly, not loving, and certainly not spiritual. This kind of belief can lead many of us to deny our anger, and much research tells us that denying or suppressing anger can be bad for our health. Anger can be a wake-up call that […]
Our society can shame us for having anger. It is often deemed unsightly, not loving, and certainly not spiritual.
This kind of belief can lead many of us to deny our anger, and much research tells us that denying or suppressing anger can be bad for our health. Anger can be a wake-up call that we are allowing someone to treat us badly. Anger can let us know that it is time to set a firm limit or get support to change a pattern.
Say you see your husband, Sam, at a party complaining to his friends about something you did. He was rolling his eyes in exasperation at “the old ball and chain.” You might respond in several ways. See for yourself which one feels most familiar and which feels most useful…
1. You go into denial that it bothered you. You aren’t consciously aware of any problem. When you wake up the next morning, your back is out. You end up spending the next few weeks completely stressed and occupied with pain relief, doctors’ visits, and coping. Your well-meaning subconscious has protectively tucked this disappointing piece of truth about your relationship away underground.
2. Or you lock yourself in your host’s bathroom and sob, feeling victimized, and trapped in the relationship. You then pull yourself together and put on a pleasant face. When you get home, you initiate love making to feel close again. Later you proceed to take it out on yourself by eating three pieces of cake and a whole carton of ice cream. You feel depressed.
3. Or maybe you simmer with resentment for days, acting icy, highly irritable, running late to meet him at an important business dinner. You are being really passive-aggressive – trying to get him to feel your anger. You don’t directly tell him what upset you. You complain to your friends about what an ass he is.
4. Or after the party you lose it – screaming at him and shaming him for being such a terrible, flawed husband. You end up feeling ashamed that you treated him like that.
Or…
5. You see his eye rolling and public complaining about you, and you feel anger arise inside. You think to yourself, “Oh that is so not OK.”
You approach him, “Hey Sam. Could I talk to you a second?”
Once you are away from the party: “What the heck! That was so not acceptable. I love you and I’m pissed!”
“I don’t want you to ever show disdain for me in public. It is disrespectful. If you have an issue with something I have done or said, bring it to me privately so that I can address it.”
So what went right with #5?
You were aware of Sam’s behavior and the anger that arose inside you.
You didn’t go to blame or shame. Instead you stayed with what is true for you and made a direct request. And you kept it about his particular action and didn’t go to drama about who he is as a husband.
You leaned into the relationship with sharing your feelings rather than pulling away.
You channeled the anger into empowerment. You took care of yourself by setting a clear boundary and expectation of respect. You raised the bar for the relationship.
The irony is that Sam isn’t to blame. It’s not really about blame – it’s more about choice and preference. Because we have free will, we get to choose what behaviors we will tolerate in life and which we won’t. .
Anger can be profound. I know it is so not always easy, but anger offers us a gift. It gives us guidance on how to navigate a life where we can thrive.
Best wishes,
Judy
We all know people who complain too much. But do you know people who complain too little? The word has such negative connotations in our culture. I wonder if it might sometimes be a healthy, honest thing to do. My friend Evan’s brother, who is quite reserved, described their dad’s experience of terminal cancer by […]
We all know people who complain too much. But do you know people who complain too little? The word has such negative connotations in our culture. I wonder if it might sometimes be a healthy, honest thing to do.
My friend Evan’s brother, who is quite reserved, described their dad’s experience of terminal cancer by saying, “He was a perfect stoic. He didn’t complain at all.”
Evan is someone who is pretty comfortable being real and open with people. He too visited their dying father who confided in Evan, “Son, cancer is a hell of a son-of-a-bitch! This is really rough.” Then Evan and his dad ended up having an extremely real, open-hearted, and important time together. The both shed tears and also laughed a lot together that day.
We all can judge ourselves or others for “losing it” or “having a melt-down” when things are stressful or painful. If getting emotional is a “melt”-down, then is not allowing yourself to get emotional mean that a part stays frozen?
It seems that people think that if they complain, they are being weak or ungrateful. Just because we let ourselves be open about the difficulty we are experiencing doesn’t mean that we aren’t also grateful for all our blessings or that we don’t enjoy many pieces of life deeply.
If your goal is making sure everyone around you thinks you have your poop together and are always composed, then sharing the whole truth about how you are might not be recommended. But if your goal is to live an open-hearted life that gives yourself and others permission to be real, then maybe intentionally complaining to someone you trust, could be on track.
So the next time someone you trust asks you how you are, perhaps the response of “Can’t complain.” Or “It’s all good” might not be the best invitation for connecting human to human.
Judy O’Neill, MSW is a social worker in private practice as a health and relationship coach. She can be reached at judy@wellnesscoachcolorado.com or by phone (303) 819-2099.
We all crave security and stability – some of us more than others. Human beings are like geese – we mate for life (or at least plan to). And we are pack animals like wolves and gorillas – we form tribes, societies, and groups to belong. Security can look like a steady job, being in […]
We all crave security and stability – some of us more than others. Human beings are like geese – we mate for life (or at least plan to). And we are pack animals like wolves and gorillas – we form tribes, societies, and groups to belong.
Security can look like a steady job, being in a long-term relationship, having a growing 401K, staying in the same town or church, having the approval of those whose opinions matter to us, and more….
But safety doesn’t make us happy all on its’ own. We all have varying degrees of needs for….
· Finding meaning in our days and lives
· Fun or enjoyment
· Love and authentic connection with others
· Good health
· Adventure
· Rest
· To be respected for who we truly are
I feel best when I honor all of these – in their own time. When I walk the dog of my friend who just had surgery, I honor my need for meaningful contribution and connection. When my husband and I sit on the couch and watch Wanda Sykes, it’s not terribly meaningful – but her outrageous humor makes me laugh so hard I cry. Or when I go to get scraped at the dentist next week, it isn’t fun, but it honors my need for good health.
We all sacrifice and deny these various needs as a price for security. And our wise bodies and emotions will send signals that we are off-track from heading toward our best lives.
· You might notice that the longer you stay in that well-paying, unfulfilling job, the more depressed you get.
· Maybe you sacrifice a healthy weight for security. As you try to not upset your spouse who gets angry when he drinks too much, anxiety and emotional eating grows.
· Or you’ve noticed a correlation between back pain and visiting critical in-laws.
· Perhaps you aren’t going on a dream trip to Alaska because you want to be a “good son” and your mom doesn’t want to hire any help even though she can afford it.
· Or you find yourself irritable each time you see the kids’ principal and realize it’s because you really don’t want to volunteer for the PTA fundraisers anymore.
So here’s the question to ask ourselves regularly: “Today, where might I be squashing my needs or wishes in order to protect the status quo or to not lose others’ approval?”
The great news is that we don’t have to do anything drastic – don’t have to blow up our lives – in order to start tending more to our non-security needs. Maybe you trim that trip to your mother-in-law’s from 4 nights to 3. Or you start opening up to a trusted friend about your husband’s drinking. Perhaps you experiment with not signing up to volunteer at next month’s event at the kids’ school and see how that feels.
