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I hear often from clients that they want less drama in their lives. It’s such a reasonable wish to prefer times of peace, fun, and moving forward toward goals and dreams. Hollywood is expert at creating drama. Let’s look to them for some guidance on how not to do life. To heighten drama, it’s […]
I hear often from clients that they want less drama in their lives. It’s such a reasonable wish to prefer times of peace, fun, and moving forward toward goals and dreams.
Hollywood is expert at creating drama. Let’s look to them for some guidance on how not to do life.
To heighten drama, it’s important that the main character…..
Ignore red flags or any bad gut feelings about a person or situation. Maybe they are letting love or infatuation make them blind to all the signs that the person they are falling for is questionable or has a scary ex. Maybe he or she believes that they need to rush and get married in order to be happy because “marriage guarantees being happily ever after.” Or perhaps they take a job that they know in their gut isn’t going to be a good thing. Three years later, they end up quitting after so much verbal abuse and belittling.
To heighten drama, the main character needs to be isolated – not in close connection/communication with a healthy friend or family member.
Not ask anyone for personal or professional help because they fear that seeking help means they are weak or crazy – and would be ashamed if anyone found out.
Be out of control with drugs and alcohol and not be seeking help through a 12-Step program.
Has inappropriate boundaries – does not tell people no. He or she doesn’t set limits or remove himself or herself from interacting with a person who does not treat them or others well.
Is not open to input. He or she stays in a bad situation despite advice from people who care about them.
Makes impulsive decisions without first gathering information or pausing to “sleep on it.”
Is in a bad financial downward spiral. He or she feels ashamed and avoids asking a professional or even experienced friend for guidance. He or she doesn’t take advantage of debt-relief programs because of embarrassment or judgment that people who do that are “lame or bad.”
Neglects their own health.
So then what are some steps to avoid drama? I think you know where I’m going with this. If we flip this recipe for Hollywood drama to its’ opposite, then we have a list of actions we can take to avoid drama in our own lives.
Some drama is totally out of our control. Terrible random things can happen in life that we will never be able to explain.
Other drama actually can be avoided.
In the midst of a rough situation, we can all so easily slip into feeling like a powerless victim – and feel that there isn’t anything we can do to improve our situation. It can be very hard to see where we actually do have the power of choice to prevent or end drama in our lives.
For example….
We can stop the cycle of nagging our alcoholic spouse and get ourselves to counseling or to the 12-Step group Al-anon for people affected by loved ones’ addictive behavior..
Maybe we stop contorting our lives by isolating in order keep our spouse’s problem secret from others. We can communicate directly and start setting true limits with the addiction behavior so that we aren’t enabling the decline of the person we love.
Or perhaps your brother who you love dearly keeps not going to the doctor even though he is worried about a mole that he has shown you. You stay silent because you don’t want to interfere or be seen as a controlling meddler. You tell yourself something spiritual-sounding like: “Everyone has their own path.”
The truth is – deep down – you don’t want to be silent with your brother. You want to be honest. You are scared that he might have melanoma and want him to get it looked at. You ask him to go for a walk and have a heart-to-heart talk that initially pisses him off, but then results in his going to the doctor. The mole is found to be melanoma – but it was caught early enough. Great drama and suffering were avoided.
Thank goodness there are steps we can take to reduce the amount of drama in our lives.
Very best wishes to you,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
I woke up this morning feeling kind of heavy, a bit depressed, and not particularly excited about my nicely planned yet spacious Saturday. Then I felt an extra layer of disappointment that I wasn’t feeling good on such a nice day. I spent some time trying to get clear on why I was feeling low […]
I woke up this morning feeling kind of heavy, a bit depressed, and not particularly excited about my nicely planned yet spacious Saturday. Then I felt an extra layer of disappointment that I wasn’t feeling good on such a nice day. I spent some time trying to get clear on why I was feeling low – and clarity didn’t come.
The image arose of my putting my disappointing mood in a purse and inviting it to come along with me into my day. This helped to bust up the sense of my feelings being the ruiner of my day. I found myself feeling less struggle, feeling lighter. I became more able to enjoy my husband’s outrageously funny remarks about something at work, more able to enjoy how soft our Molly’s fur is. (Doggie, not child, by the way.)
What else needs an invitation to be included in my day? What other feelings need some tenderness? I am going on an international trip in 6 weeks and could admit to myself that I’m not just excited – I’m nervous! That fence between excitement and nervousness is awfully narrow to walk on. I prefer to be excited – but it might make me feel best if I push down the protective fence and allow both.
I once heard that expanding the size of your personal world is stressful. That stress might look like difficulty making decisions, being fussy or irritable (I prefer the non-pathologizing word “fussy”), or simply a physical, shaky feeling of anxiety.
I didn’t make the decision to go on the trip just by listening to my heart and gut feelings. I also asked myself three questions:
· What was the joy per dollar ratio? This would be fulfilling a lifetime wish of mine and Michael’s. It was a risk, but we think we could have an enriching, hugely fun time. It could be a very high joy per dollar ratio.
· “What works?” is a question I ask myself daily when I am choosing how to spend my time, money, and energy. “Does the trip work right now to make my life happier?” At this particular time, could the cost create enough long-term stress that might outweigh the joy of going? After a realistic look at finances and checking in with our nervous systems, we concluded that the trip worked. Michael and I committed to going to Africa.
· Another question that helps me step back and see the big picture is “Would I truly regret not going this year?” The answer was yes.
So with my nervousness, excitement, and now-faded low mood, I step forward into my day feeling a bit more whole.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
If you looked at two people – one who is feeling angry, and one who looks peaceful and tells you they feel so much trust in life, who do you think has the happier life? It depends. Sometimes the effort to trust or to be grateful for all that is going right in our lives […]
If you looked at two people – one who is feeling angry, and one who looks peaceful and tells you they feel so much trust in life, who do you think has the happier life?
It depends.
Sometimes the effort to trust or to be grateful for all that is going right in our lives can push other feelings underground. Trust and gratitude are more pleasant an experience than letting one’s self feel grief or fear or anger.
As we grow up, we learn to label sadness, fear, and anger as “negative.” They are to be resisted or avoided. We are taught that they can decrease our happiness. We are trained to think that anger isn’t spiritual – that we should always be loving thy neighbor, right? But the reality is that when we don’t let ourselves feel these basic human feelings, we can get depressed or anxious. And it takes a lot of effort to keep the feelings away. This creates stress, which can eventually contribute to health problems.
One characteristic of happy people is that they feel their feelings fully. Happy people don’t censor raw emotion, deny feelings or run from pain as many of us do. (Foster and Hicks (2004) How We Choose to be Happy) If there is loss or disappointment, they feel grief, if they are afraid, they feel fear. Not that they follow terrible stories of suffering (“Why me?” “This shouldn’t be this way.” “This is all ____’s fault.”) They simply feel the bodily sensations of that emotion as it shows up in the moment. Many intense emotions come through in 90 second waves – maybe test this out for yourself. Many of us resist feelings because we are afraid we might get stuck in them, but the real truth is that they pass.
We learn that trust and gratitude are gateways to being more connected with God or the divine – that they are very spiritual states of being. But maybe they aren’t the only gateways. Have you ever experienced a wave of huge sadness and crying that left you feeling washed clean, relaxed, and so present with the moment? Sometimes feeling feelings can be very spiritual.
So somewhere there is a line. Perhaps the practice many have of keeping a Gratitude Journal could be accompanied by keeping a What the Heck am I Feeling Journal. It is a place where I can ask myself, “What am I feeling now?” Some mornings I wake up in a bad mood and am not feeling grateful – that’s just not where I am.
It is absolutely true that I have much to be grateful for, but maybe the more palpable truth that morning, underneath the bad mood, is that I’m ticked off at someone. I might write about it, talk with my husband or a friend, or simply take a moment to sit with the feelings. Allowing the anger to be there in my body, and choosing what action I might need to take or what I might need to say, could be the doorway to being more available to feel a bit happier as I go about my day.
Warmly,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
