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Our society can shame us for having anger. It is often deemed unsightly, not loving, and certainly not spiritual. This kind of belief can lead many of us to deny our anger, and much research tells us that denying or suppressing anger can be bad for our health. Anger can be a wake-up call that […]
Our society can shame us for having anger. It is often deemed unsightly, not loving, and certainly not spiritual.
This kind of belief can lead many of us to deny our anger, and much research tells us that denying or suppressing anger can be bad for our health. Anger can be a wake-up call that we are allowing someone to treat us badly. Anger can let us know that it is time to set a firm limit or get support to change a pattern.
Say you see your husband, Sam, at a party complaining to his friends about something you did. He was rolling his eyes in exasperation at “the old ball and chain.” You might respond in several ways. See for yourself which one feels most familiar and which feels most useful…
1. You go into denial that it bothered you. You aren’t consciously aware of any problem. When you wake up the next morning, your back is out. You end up spending the next few weeks completely stressed and occupied with pain relief, doctors’ visits, and coping. Your well-meaning subconscious has protectively tucked this disappointing piece of truth about your relationship away underground.
2. Or you lock yourself in your host’s bathroom and sob, feeling victimized, and trapped in the relationship. You then pull yourself together and put on a pleasant face. When you get home, you initiate love making to feel close again. Later you proceed to take it out on yourself by eating three pieces of cake and a whole carton of ice cream. You feel depressed.
3. Or maybe you simmer with resentment for days, acting icy, highly irritable, running late to meet him at an important business dinner. You are being really passive-aggressive – trying to get him to feel your anger. You don’t directly tell him what upset you. You complain to your friends about what an ass he is.
4. Or after the party you lose it – screaming at him and shaming him for being such a terrible, flawed husband. You end up feeling ashamed that you treated him like that.
Or…
5. You see his eye rolling and public complaining about you, and you feel anger arise inside. You think to yourself, “Oh that is so not OK.”
You approach him, “Hey Sam. Could I talk to you a second?”
Once you are away from the party: “What the heck! That was so not acceptable. I love you and I’m pissed!”
“I don’t want you to ever show disdain for me in public. It is disrespectful. If you have an issue with something I have done or said, bring it to me privately so that I can address it.”
So what went right with #5?
You were aware of Sam’s behavior and the anger that arose inside you.
You didn’t go to blame or shame. Instead you stayed with what is true for you and made a direct request. And you kept it about his particular action and didn’t go to drama about who he is as a husband.
You leaned into the relationship with sharing your feelings rather than pulling away.
You channeled the anger into empowerment. You took care of yourself by setting a clear boundary and expectation of respect. You raised the bar for the relationship.
The irony is that Sam isn’t to blame. It’s not really about blame – it’s more about choice and preference. Because we have free will, we get to choose what behaviors we will tolerate in life and which we won’t. .
Anger can be profound. I know it is so not always easy, but anger offers us a gift. It gives us guidance on how to navigate a life where we can thrive.
Best wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
We all know people who complain too much. But do you know people who complain too little? The word has such negative connotations in our culture. I wonder if it might sometimes be a healthy, honest thing to do. My friend Evan’s brother, who is quite reserved, described their dad’s experience of terminal cancer by […]
We all know people who complain too much. But do you know people who complain too little? The word has such negative connotations in our culture. I wonder if it might sometimes be a healthy, honest thing to do.
My friend Evan’s brother, who is quite reserved, described their dad’s experience of terminal cancer by saying, “He was a perfect stoic. He didn’t complain at all.”
Evan is someone who is pretty comfortable being real and open with people. He too visited their dying father who confided in Evan, “Son, cancer is a hell of a son-of-a-bitch! This is really rough.” Then Evan and his dad ended up having an extremely real, open-hearted, and important time together. The both shed tears and also laughed a lot together that day.
We all can judge ourselves or others for “losing it” or “having a melt-down” when things are stressful or painful. If getting emotional is a “melt”-down, then is not allowing yourself to get emotional mean that a part stays frozen?
It seems that people think that if they complain, they are being weak or ungrateful. Just because we let ourselves be open about the difficulty we are experiencing doesn’t mean that we aren’t also grateful for all our blessings or that we don’t enjoy many pieces of life deeply.
If your goal is making sure everyone around you thinks you have your poop together and are always composed, then sharing the whole truth about how you are might not be recommended. But if your goal is to live an open-hearted life that gives yourself and others permission to be real, then maybe intentionally complaining to someone you trust, could be on track.
So the next time someone you trust asks you how you are, perhaps the response of “Can’t complain.” Or “It’s all good” might not be the best invitation for connecting human to human.
Judy O’Neill, MSW is a social worker in private practice as a health and relationship coach. She can be reached at judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or by phone (303) 819-2099.
