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In relationships and on the road, when you are feeling stuck in irritation and complaining, there’s an alternative. You can make a request. American drivers have a strange behavior pattern. When someone wants the car in front of them to speed up or pull over, they often start tailgating the slower driver – at a […]
In relationships and on the road, when you are feeling stuck in irritation and complaining, there’s an alternative. You can make a request.
American drivers have a strange behavior pattern. When someone wants the car in front of them to speed up or pull over, they often start tailgating the slower driver – at a dangerously small distance behind the slow car.
We feel that the slow driver holds control over us. We feel trapped and then outraged.
But sometimes we actually aren’t trapped. If the slow-driver is simply distracted, we have the power to get their attention. We can communicate our wishes with some short honks of the horn.
If we don’t make our needs known with some short honks, we get resentful and act out by tailgating – which can lead to a multiple car pile-up.
The avoidance of direct communication can be costly.
Maybe every time your mother-in-law Ann stops by, she makes little critical comments about the cleanliness or organization of your home. You notice that you are dreading seeing her.
You feel pissed and stuck with putting up with this because she’s family and you need to respect your elders. You silence yourself, thinking that’s the best thing you can do, so that you don’t lose your cool and yell at her.
When we silence ourselves, a part of us gets extra pissed or irritable.
The good news is that you aren’t stuck. Sometimes we have plenty of power to change the situation – if we choose to use it.
A simple request can nip this behavior in the bud. The next time you and Ann are alone in the kitchen, you mention to her that you take her opinion to heart. And you have noticed that she can make critical comments about your home. You tell her it hurts. You say that you know she cares about you. Then you ask if it would be OK for her to catch herself and stop the pattern of making negative comments.
Is she going to respond well? Maybe. She might hug you and apologize. Or have an initial upset and then respond well. Or she might be awful, and that would be good information that you need to take a major step back from her.
But because you used your voice and made a direct request, you will likely feel better.
Or maybe you find yourself complaining to your best friend a lot about how you feel blown off by your boyfriend. You tell her that he doesn’t initiate any date nights or romantic moments with you. Your relationship is feeling more like housemates than romantic partners.
Complaining can be a way to blow enough steam that you can stay in your current situation rather than risk initiating a change through direct communication.
You decide to stop complaining and make a simple request. You ask him to surprise you with some date nights because you would like some alone time together.
He tells you that he has been so busy that he hadn’t realized how distant things had become. That Saturday you both have a great time at a fun restaurant and some good cuddle time. That one request you made ended up benefiting you and the whole relationship.
Simple requests skip over the whole blame game and jump right to constructive change. When you make a non-blaming request, you are sending a message that you think the other person is workable and capable of changing.
Now I know that not all relationship challenges are going to be resolved by making simple requests, but it’s surprising how well it can go.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
Helping you get unstuck and struggle less…
Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict? Are you nervous about setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people? Here are some insights on why being real and honest might be worth it. I don’t think there’s anyone completely at ease with bringing up challenging topics. What in particular are you […]
Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict? Are you nervous about setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people? Here are some insights on why being real and honest might be worth it.
I don’t think there’s anyone completely at ease with bringing up challenging topics.
What in particular are you afraid of? What keeps you silent? Here are some very common and understandable fears that drive us humans to avoid conversations:
HOW WE JUSTIFY AVOIDANCE
There are many ways to rationalize avoiding hard conversations. Do any of the following sound familiar?
Sometimes being thoughtful about timing is very useful. If it continues on for weeks and weeks, it might be more about avoidance than consideration.
If you catch yourself thinking any of these things, there’s a chance you might be avoiding having a talk that needs to happen.
THE COSTS OF AVOIDING HAVING REAL CONVERSATIONS
1. When we hide who we really are – what we really want or don’t want, our relationships can’t be as close. We might miss out on true intimacy. We might have friends but still feel lonely because they don’t really know the real us.
2. Our psyches don’t like to be silenced. When we hide the truth or try to sweep an issue under the rug, we can end up feeling low-level upset because we don’t feel free to talk and to request things. This can lead to lingering resentment. You might find yourself getting passive aggressive or mysteriously irritable with others.
3. Not feeling free to share our thoughts and feelings can decrease our ability to relax and have fun in the relationship.
4. Sometimes we aren’t even consciously aware that we are mad or hurt by someone’s behavior. As humans, our psyche’s can try to distract us from these emotions by creating strong cravings for food, alcohol, video games, etc.
Our bodies are also capable of creating distracting symptoms like stomach upset or an unexplainable back pain in order to help us avoid seeing and dealing with conflict. I will be making a video in the near future about this pattern.
Books such as Unlearn You Pain by Schubiner and Betzold and John Sarno’s Healing Back Pain are rich resources. Mind Body Coaches Lorraine Faehndrich (radiantlifedesign.com) and Abigail Steidley (abigailsteidley.com) are highly skilled at helping clients undo the pattern of somaticizing our emotions.
5. Silencing ourselves actually takes energy. It can cause chronic, low-level stress which is bad for our health.
6. With someone we are dating, if we aren’t real about what we want and what does not work for us, we can end up staying with or marrying someone who is not an appropriate partner. By not sharing our preferences, we might be pretending to be whoever we imagine our partner wants rather than letting them get to know who we really are.
7. If we aren’t honest with a friend, partner, or family member we love who is sliding into substance abuse or domestic violence, we can end up enabling their decline.
A BIG QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF
Is this person workable or not really?
When you speak with a workable person about something, they are capable of responding constructively – either immediately or after a sort period of being temporarily defensive. A workable person is able to apologize, show real concern, and make changes in behavior.
Or is this person someone who is self-involved, doesn’t feel bad about mistakes or apologize for them, pulls all the attention back to how they have been wronged, and doesn’t seem to really care about your needs? There’s a chance they aren’t workable.
Sometimes we don’t want to admit to ourselves that a person is not workable. We keep our focus on our hope in their “potential” as a way to avoid the disappointing reality of how they are right now.
Yearning to find her life partner, Sue had a pattern of being attracted to men who did not treat her well. She overlooked red flags, not wanting to see signs that the current guy wasn’t workable. She didn’t want to see that the man wasn’t for her. Tired of being single, she wanted it to work out this time.
Once in the relationship, she would over-function, trying to smooth over conflicts. Nagging her partner in an effort to fix him was a distraction from accepting that she had plenty of evidence that he was not motivated to change, and likely would not.
Hope can at times be hugely harmful – allowing us to stay involved with someone who treats us badly.
When Sue started telling herself the truth of how she really felt about a man, she started moving on quickly from unworkable guys to ones that actually did help her thrive
IF YOU SEE THAT THE PERSON IS NOT WORKABLE
With truly unworkable people, it can be best to take a step back from them rather than trying to have a heart to heart. What does taking a step back mean?
Only you can answer that. Perhaps stepping back means you stop initiating getting together. Maybe stepping back means you stop confiding in the person. Michele realized that her mom was terribly critical around anything about Michele’s weight or fitness. Her step back was to no longer bring up any appearance-related discussion with her mom.
Or perhaps the step back is to stop sleeping with them. Or maybe in your heart, you know that you should stop having contact all together.
GETTING CLEAR
If the person is workable, and you find yourself avoiding an important conversation that you know would benefit you or the whole relationship, here are some questions you can ask yourself to get clarity. Awareness is like gold and can contribute hugely to individual and relationship happiness.
1. What are you afraid could happen if you do bring up the issue?
2. Do you have a story you use to justify avoiding having that talk?
3. With this person or group, what is the cost to you of continuing to avoid?
4. If things go well, what positive shifts could happen?
5. What help or support might you need to help you make the leap of bringing up the issue?
In another blog post, I will cover tips on how to best have these conversations that scare us go well. How you can set things up for as much as success as possible.
If you would like to learn more about working with me, please contact me at judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or text or call (303) 819-2099. I would love to hear from you. I am currently meeting with clients remotely or in my backyard in Boulder, CO.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill
So I’ve been out of the dating pool for quite some time. Twenty years ago next month, I met my husband Michael through a personal ad in the local newspaper. Don’t laugh. I have watched friends and clients navigate the wild world of online dating and have learned some things. I love to help clients […]
So I’ve been out of the dating pool for quite some time. Twenty years ago next month, I met my husband Michael through a personal ad in the local newspaper. Don’t laugh.
I have watched friends and clients navigate the wild world of online dating and have learned some things. I love to help clients find how to have less drama and suffering while they go on the journey of finding their life partner or simply enjoying spending time with good people.
I have seen that when you respect your own intuition, preferences, and true limits, you start attracting partners who will respect you and treat you well. I have learned that you don’t need to throw yourself under the feeling-desperate-and-always-wanting-to-be-pleasing bus.
The good news is that when you set a high standard for how you want to be treated, inappropriate suitors will energetically and practically be repelled. This clears away the potentially distracting people to make room for your right partner. The guiding principle of authenticity – being real with yourself and with the people you are dating – can help set you on a path with less suffering to a true life partner.
Here’s a few tips for healthy, authentic dating. Please disregard any that don’t feel true or useful to you, OK?
1. Be really honest with yourself and get clear. Make a list of what is truly most important to you in a partner. And a list of things that aren’t acceptable to you. Among all the items, I suggest you include something in your lists about each of these:
2. While meeting and dating someone, keep a bunch of your attention on yourself – your physical and emotional reactions to communication with the person. Maybe he or she looks fabulous, but how does interacting with them make you feel?
3. Be open to noticing any “red flags” – whether big or tiny. If you have a reaction of “Huh?” or “Hmm. That doesn’t sound good,” notice any tendency you might have to dismiss your own concern because you so badly want this to work.
Here’s a question…..Why do you so badly want to make it work with this particular person?
I think the opposite of this scarcity thinking isn’t “abundance.” The word abundance always feels a little off the mark to me. What if the opposite of scarcity is simply this assumption:
“My partner is out there, and I’m going to trust my intuition and discernment in order to find him/her/them.” Then it’s not about scarcity or abundance – it’s just about determination, persistence, and trusting your radar.
4. Only get together in person with people who feel really right. It’s easy to get pulled into believing that you are being “too picky.” When the person is right, your physical gut feelings will let you know. Set and maintain whatever truly are your personal high standards.
5. If the person gets weird with communication – whether phone, text, or email – say something authentic or move on from them. You can be real. It could go something like this:
“Hey – I notice that when I hear from you a lot and then hardly at all, it’s a little unsettling for me. I have found that consistent communication is a great thing for me. How does that sound to you?’
Their response could be
6. If the person acts cheap with either money, information about themselves, or with extending themself by initiating dates or calls – it’s a red flag to watch.
7. If you feel like your best, empowered, real self with the person – you are onto something good.
A crucial part of authentic dating is authentic sex. Please listen carefully to yourself around getting sexy with someone.
What do you truly need in order for physical intimacy to feel really right and comfortable? What will protect you from future regret?
Your honest answer will likely be different from what you assume is “normal.” Please disregard any of the below questions if they don’t apply to what feels right for you now.
Some people are comfortable with simply using a condom every time. Others realize that they actually want to know for sure that their partner doesn’t have any STD’s. They might need both partners to get tested first. Testing is inconvenient, but can be hugely rewarding if it means you both get to relax and have fabulous sex.
With it’s ups and downs, authentic dating can be a path to being really honest with yourself, and to a fulfilling, juicy relationship with your future partner.
I wish you big success with the journey of online dating. I love to help clients navigate building healthy relationships with themselves and others. If you are interested in speaking with me, please contact me through phone, text, or email for a free half-hour consultation. (303) 819-2099 or judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com
Warm wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
www.helpingyougetunstuck.com
