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I hear often from clients that they want less drama in their lives. It’s such a reasonable wish to prefer times of peace, fun, and moving forward toward goals and dreams. Hollywood is expert at creating drama. Let’s look to them for some guidance on how not to do life. To heighten drama, it’s […]
I hear often from clients that they want less drama in their lives. It’s such a reasonable wish to prefer times of peace, fun, and moving forward toward goals and dreams.
Hollywood is expert at creating drama. Let’s look to them for some guidance on how not to do life.
To heighten drama, it’s important that the main character…..
Ignore red flags or any bad gut feelings about a person or situation. Maybe they are letting love or infatuation make them blind to all the signs that the person they are falling for is questionable or has a scary ex. Maybe he or she believes that they need to rush and get married in order to be happy because “marriage guarantees being happily ever after.” Or perhaps they take a job that they know in their gut isn’t going to be a good thing. Three years later, they end up quitting after so much verbal abuse and belittling.
To heighten drama, the main character needs to be isolated – not in close connection/communication with a healthy friend or family member.
Not ask anyone for personal or professional help because they fear that seeking help means they are weak or crazy – and would be ashamed if anyone found out.
Be out of control with drugs and alcohol and not be seeking help through a 12-Step program.
Has inappropriate boundaries – does not tell people no. He or she doesn’t set limits or remove himself or herself from interacting with a person who does not treat them or others well.
Is not open to input. He or she stays in a bad situation despite advice from people who care about them.
Makes impulsive decisions without first gathering information or pausing to “sleep on it.”
Is in a bad financial downward spiral. He or she feels ashamed and avoids asking a professional or even experienced friend for guidance. He or she doesn’t take advantage of debt-relief programs because of embarrassment or judgment that people who do that are “lame or bad.”
Neglects their own health.
So then what are some steps to avoid drama? I think you know where I’m going with this. If we flip this recipe for Hollywood drama to its’ opposite, then we have a list of actions we can take to avoid drama in our own lives.
Some drama is totally out of our control. Terrible random things can happen in life that we will never be able to explain.
Other drama actually can be avoided.
In the midst of a rough situation, we can all so easily slip into feeling like a powerless victim – and feel that there isn’t anything we can do to improve our situation. It can be very hard to see where we actually do have the power of choice to prevent or end drama in our lives.
For example….
We can stop the cycle of nagging our alcoholic spouse and get ourselves to counseling or to the 12-Step group Al-anon for people affected by loved ones’ addictive behavior..
Maybe we stop contorting our lives by isolating in order keep our spouse’s problem secret from others. We can communicate directly and start setting true limits with the addiction behavior so that we aren’t enabling the decline of the person we love.
Or perhaps your brother who you love dearly keeps not going to the doctor even though he is worried about a mole that he has shown you. You stay silent because you don’t want to interfere or be seen as a controlling meddler. You tell yourself something spiritual-sounding like: “Everyone has their own path.”
The truth is – deep down – you don’t want to be silent with your brother. You want to be honest. You are scared that he might have melanoma and want him to get it looked at. You ask him to go for a walk and have a heart-to-heart talk that initially pisses him off, but then results in his going to the doctor. The mole is found to be melanoma – but it was caught early enough. Great drama and suffering were avoided.
Thank goodness there are steps we can take to reduce the amount of drama in our lives.
Very best wishes to you,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
In relationships and on the road, when you are feeling stuck in irritation and complaining, there’s an alternative. You can make a request. American drivers have a strange behavior pattern. When someone wants the car in front of them to speed up or pull over, they often start tailgating the slower driver – at a […]
In relationships and on the road, when you are feeling stuck in irritation and complaining, there’s an alternative. You can make a request.
American drivers have a strange behavior pattern. When someone wants the car in front of them to speed up or pull over, they often start tailgating the slower driver – at a dangerously small distance behind the slow car.
We feel that the slow driver holds control over us. We feel trapped and then outraged.
But sometimes we actually aren’t trapped. If the slow-driver is simply distracted, we have the power to get their attention. We can communicate our wishes with some short honks of the horn.
If we don’t make our needs known with some short honks, we get resentful and act out by tailgating – which can lead to a multiple car pile-up.
The avoidance of direct communication can be costly.
Maybe every time your mother-in-law Ann stops by, she makes little critical comments about the cleanliness or organization of your home. You notice that you are dreading seeing her.
You feel pissed and stuck with putting up with this because she’s family and you need to respect your elders. You silence yourself, thinking that’s the best thing you can do, so that you don’t lose your cool and yell at her.
When we silence ourselves, a part of us gets extra pissed or irritable.
The good news is that you aren’t stuck. Sometimes we have plenty of power to change the situation – if we choose to use it.
A simple request can nip this behavior in the bud. The next time you and Ann are alone in the kitchen, you mention to her that you take her opinion to heart. And you have noticed that she can make critical comments about your home. You tell her it hurts. You say that you know she cares about you. Then you ask if it would be OK for her to catch herself and stop the pattern of making negative comments.
Is she going to respond well? Maybe. She might hug you and apologize. Or have an initial upset and then respond well. Or she might be awful, and that would be good information that you need to take a major step back from her.
But because you used your voice and made a direct request, you will likely feel better.
Or maybe you find yourself complaining to your best friend a lot about how you feel blown off by your boyfriend. You tell her that he doesn’t initiate any date nights or romantic moments with you. Your relationship is feeling more like housemates than romantic partners.
Complaining can be a way to blow enough steam that you can stay in your current situation rather than risk initiating a change through direct communication.
You decide to stop complaining and make a simple request. You ask him to surprise you with some date nights because you would like some alone time together.
He tells you that he has been so busy that he hadn’t realized how distant things had become. That Saturday you both have a great time at a fun restaurant and some good cuddle time. That one request you made ended up benefiting you and the whole relationship.
Simple requests skip over the whole blame game and jump right to constructive change. When you make a non-blaming request, you are sending a message that you think the other person is workable and capable of changing.
Now I know that not all relationship challenges are going to be resolved by making simple requests, but it’s surprising how well it can go.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
Helping you get unstuck and struggle less…
In our culture we have grown up to believe that personal freedom equals happiness. Well, is that actually true? Freedom and personal rights are rarely the only thing a person values and prioritizes. You might value your family’s health and well-being, respecting elders, faith, serving our country, honesty, nature, or…. If we refuse to wear […]
In our culture we have grown up to believe that personal freedom equals happiness.
Well, is that actually true?
Freedom and personal rights are rarely the only thing a person values and prioritizes. You might value your family’s health and well-being, respecting elders, faith, serving our country, honesty, nature, or….
If we refuse to wear a mask or receive a well-tested vaccine because “we don’t want anyone to tell us what to do,” then we might have just acted in a way that does not honor our own values. The value of protecting our family. The value of appreciating and protecting the health care workers who are neighbors and there when we need them.
Perhaps making a decision by looking through the lens of “personal rights or freedom” isn’t so useful. Maybe it is most clarifying to ask ourselves – does my action reflect my highest priorities?
Full personal freedom to do whatever we want offers promises of happiness – but it can’t deliver. Being free to do whatever we want can actually cause suffering.
When we get hooked into a compulsive behavior like overeating, the craving part of us that drives us to overeat thinks that if we have the freedom to consume whatever we want, as much as we want, then we will be happier.
Is it true?
If we eat a scoop of ice cream, we will probably experience temporary pleasure with little negative consequence. But if we let the compulsive craving part of us run the show, then we can end up having eaten the whole container every night, feeling bloated and regretful.
Is it possible that being asked to wear a mask to protect our fellow Americans is a patriotic act? It is a form of being asked to serve our country. When someone serves our country in the military – whether by personal choice or because of a draft – they deserve great respect and appreciation. We thank them for their service.
My hope is that you might pass this on to people you know who are unclear about whether they want to wear a mask. I think the whole discussion of “who is making you do what” is a distraction.
I think the real question is: “What are your top 5 values? And do they guide you to wear a mask or not?”
My experience is that almost everyone wants to help their family and friends. So then we can see that it is our own values driving the choice – not anyone else “making” us do it.
Wearing a mask is a way in which you can serve our country and be aligned with your own priorities and values.
Very best wishes to you,
Judy O’Neill, MSW
Judy is a life coach based in Boulder, CO, seeing clients remotely or in her backyard. To contact Judy, email judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or text or call (303) 819-2099.
Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict? Are you nervous about setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people? Here are some insights on why being real and honest might be worth it. I don’t think there’s anyone completely at ease with bringing up challenging topics. What in particular are you […]
Are you scared of conversations where there could be conflict? Are you nervous about setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people? Here are some insights on why being real and honest might be worth it.
I don’t think there’s anyone completely at ease with bringing up challenging topics.
What in particular are you afraid of? What keeps you silent? Here are some very common and understandable fears that drive us humans to avoid conversations:
HOW WE JUSTIFY AVOIDANCE
There are many ways to rationalize avoiding hard conversations. Do any of the following sound familiar?
Sometimes being thoughtful about timing is very useful. If it continues on for weeks and weeks, it might be more about avoidance than consideration.
If you catch yourself thinking any of these things, there’s a chance you might be avoiding having a talk that needs to happen.
THE COSTS OF AVOIDING HAVING REAL CONVERSATIONS
1. When we hide who we really are – what we really want or don’t want, our relationships can’t be as close. We might miss out on true intimacy. We might have friends but still feel lonely because they don’t really know the real us.
2. Our psyches don’t like to be silenced. When we hide the truth or try to sweep an issue under the rug, we can end up feeling low-level upset because we don’t feel free to talk and to request things. This can lead to lingering resentment. You might find yourself getting passive aggressive or mysteriously irritable with others.
3. Not feeling free to share our thoughts and feelings can decrease our ability to relax and have fun in the relationship.
4. Sometimes we aren’t even consciously aware that we are mad or hurt by someone’s behavior. As humans, our psyche’s can try to distract us from these emotions by creating strong cravings for food, alcohol, video games, etc.
Our bodies are also capable of creating distracting symptoms like stomach upset or an unexplainable back pain in order to help us avoid seeing and dealing with conflict. I will be making a video in the near future about this pattern.
Books such as Unlearn You Pain by Schubiner and Betzold and John Sarno’s Healing Back Pain are rich resources. Mind Body Coaches Lorraine Faehndrich (radiantlifedesign.com) and Abigail Steidley (abigailsteidley.com) are highly skilled at helping clients undo the pattern of somaticizing our emotions.
5. Silencing ourselves actually takes energy. It can cause chronic, low-level stress which is bad for our health.
6. With someone we are dating, if we aren’t real about what we want and what does not work for us, we can end up staying with or marrying someone who is not an appropriate partner. By not sharing our preferences, we might be pretending to be whoever we imagine our partner wants rather than letting them get to know who we really are.
7. If we aren’t honest with a friend, partner, or family member we love who is sliding into substance abuse or domestic violence, we can end up enabling their decline.
A BIG QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF
Is this person workable or not really?
When you speak with a workable person about something, they are capable of responding constructively – either immediately or after a sort period of being temporarily defensive. A workable person is able to apologize, show real concern, and make changes in behavior.
Or is this person someone who is self-involved, doesn’t feel bad about mistakes or apologize for them, pulls all the attention back to how they have been wronged, and doesn’t seem to really care about your needs? There’s a chance they aren’t workable.
Sometimes we don’t want to admit to ourselves that a person is not workable. We keep our focus on our hope in their “potential” as a way to avoid the disappointing reality of how they are right now.
Yearning to find her life partner, Sue had a pattern of being attracted to men who did not treat her well. She overlooked red flags, not wanting to see signs that the current guy wasn’t workable. She didn’t want to see that the man wasn’t for her. Tired of being single, she wanted it to work out this time.
Once in the relationship, she would over-function, trying to smooth over conflicts. Nagging her partner in an effort to fix him was a distraction from accepting that she had plenty of evidence that he was not motivated to change, and likely would not.
Hope can at times be hugely harmful – allowing us to stay involved with someone who treats us badly.
When Sue started telling herself the truth of how she really felt about a man, she started moving on quickly from unworkable guys to ones that actually did help her thrive
IF YOU SEE THAT THE PERSON IS NOT WORKABLE
With truly unworkable people, it can be best to take a step back from them rather than trying to have a heart to heart. What does taking a step back mean?
Only you can answer that. Perhaps stepping back means you stop initiating getting together. Maybe stepping back means you stop confiding in the person. Michele realized that her mom was terribly critical around anything about Michele’s weight or fitness. Her step back was to no longer bring up any appearance-related discussion with her mom.
Or perhaps the step back is to stop sleeping with them. Or maybe in your heart, you know that you should stop having contact all together.
GETTING CLEAR
If the person is workable, and you find yourself avoiding an important conversation that you know would benefit you or the whole relationship, here are some questions you can ask yourself to get clarity. Awareness is like gold and can contribute hugely to individual and relationship happiness.
1. What are you afraid could happen if you do bring up the issue?
2. Do you have a story you use to justify avoiding having that talk?
3. With this person or group, what is the cost to you of continuing to avoid?
4. If things go well, what positive shifts could happen?
5. What help or support might you need to help you make the leap of bringing up the issue?
In another blog post, I will cover tips on how to best have these conversations that scare us go well. How you can set things up for as much as success as possible.
If you would like to learn more about working with me, please contact me at judy@helpingyougetunstuck.com or text or call (303) 819-2099. I would love to hear from you. I am currently meeting with clients remotely or in my backyard in Boulder, CO.
Warmest wishes,
Judy O’Neill
